He knows...

I am heartbroken today.

It has been a tough week. Sam started school Monday and I was just beginning to adjust to the house without him. Then today, Stephen was evaluated by the school system to determine if he needed speech services.

For those of you that don't know, in addition to Sam's therapies, Stephen has been in speech therapy since February. At 2 1/2 years old, Stephen was talking all day long, but we could not understand him. He sounded a lot like "Cousin It" from the Addams Family. At his 6-month reevaluation, they told us that he is lagging significantly in social and conversational skills, mostly due to the fact that his major peer role model is Sam. So he is picking up on the social issues that Sam has--- minimal eye contact, echoing questions instead of answering them, very limited conversation, etc. So they have referred him to group speech therapy and Mother's Day Out, where he can work with other peer models. They also recommended that we have him screened by the school system.

With Sam, this initial screening was very scary. Nobody wants to be told that there is something "wrong" with their child. But since we had walked this road before, I didn't think anything of it. I honestly thought we would go and they would tell us that Stephen's need is not severe enough to qualify for services. End of story...

However, while evaluating Stephen today, they decided to recommend him for further testing, specifically autistic spectrum screening. Basically, they want to know if Stephen is having these issues because he is imitating Sam or if these issues mean that he has a mild form of Asperger's, as well. To give you a basis for comparison, Sam is high-functioning for a child with Asperger's. If diagnosed, Stephen would be considered mild when compared to Sam.

Nevertheless, it broke my heart.

If we are not careful, moments like these always lead Keith and I to the same place....what are we doing wrong? Why can't one of our kids be "normal"? Did we feed them something weird? Do we not interact with them enough? Did we let them watch too much TV when they were little? What if it is all our fault? Trust me, there are a thousand questions like these that race through our minds and none of them end well.

So after the screening, I found myself at home, crying in the kitchen because I was angry at God. I wanted so desperately to call a friend, or my mom, or anybody that would listen to me cry. But I didn't...mostly because I am trying to discipline myself to run to my Savior before I run to my friends. So through my tears, I was asking God all of those questions I just shared with you. Why us? Why now? Why Stephen, too?

And then I found myself begging Him for just one glimpse of the "big picture." I wanted Him to show me how this works out for my good. I guess I was asking to be able to walk by sight. And then a funny thing happened....

The Dog needed to go potty...and as I was walking to the door, I saw my Bible on the shelf. I was immediately drawn to pick it up. I have been reading through John, so I opened it to my bookmark and saw that I had left off at the story where Jesus feeds the 5,000.

I felt God prompting me to read it. To which, I replied, "I have read this story at least once a year since I could read. I am not hosting a buffet! There is nothing in this story for me today!"

To which God said, "READ IT!"

And there it was...

"Jesus lifted up his eyes, and seeing a great multitude coming toward him, He said to Philip, 'Where shall we buy bread that these may eat?' But this He said to test him, for He Himself knew what He would do." John 6: 4-6

He already knew exactly what He would do. And He knows exactly what He will do.

God knows exactly where my heart is today. And He knows exactly where my husband's heart is today. He knows that we are scared and frustrated and struggling to understand.

So here's His truth for us....Our children are made in the image of God, just as He desired for them to be created. He gave them to us. They are his benevolent gift to us and we are equipped with everything that we need to raise these precious children. He holds their future and has a perfect, amazing plan for their lives.

So no matter what diagnosis lands on our little ones, my God is not surprised.

And He already knows exactly what He will do.