Being transformed...

One of my friends told me yesterday that I needed to blog because she needed some "Misty humor." Somehow, I didn't feel all that humorous yesterday. I thought about it for awhile and realized that life has been sort of heavy lately.


Before Christmas, Keith and I decided to step back from many of our responsibilities to focus on our family. It has been a much needed time of togetherness for us. But in the midst of this time, God has really been working in our hearts concerning our future. So we are praying and seeking his will for our family in many areas.


It's heavy...in a good way, but heavy. So I thought I would share some of the things that God is teaching me.


A few days ago, I was reading Romans 12. For some reason, that chapter really appeals to me, as it gives pretty explicit instructions for how Christians should live. When I am searching, I always find myself there. Verse 2 says:


"Do not conformed any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."


That's when it hit me! I have read that verse dozens of times and I have never seen it. I have always been encouraged that God has a good, pleasing and perfect will for me. But in my struggles with discontentment, I could never find it. God showed me that I can't find his will for my life, or my family or my children until I allow him to transform my mind. I have to let go of "the patterns of this world" to be able to see it. I have to let him change how I think.


One of my favorite songs right now is "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. It talks about asking God to help us see others as He sees them. And that's important. But it is also important for me to ask God to help me see myself as He sees me.


I look at myself and I see a million imperfections. I see what I am not good at. I see an exhausted mom who lacks patience with her children. I see the selfish state of my heart. I see things that I can't perfect in my own strength. I see wrinkles! I see things that world tells me are so far from beautiful. But when God looks at me--or any of his children, He sees someone saved by grace, covered by the blood of Christ. He sees his creation, made for his purposes and his glory...with access to his strength and power.


So God is showing me all of the patterns of this world that I have bought into "hook, line and sinker." And I have found that there are many things that I have held in higher regard than God. I am reading a book by John Piper right now and he talks about how God's gifts to us can become idols in our lives. We begin to worship the gift instead of the Giver. How convicting!


So I made a list of all of the gifts that had become more important to me than God-- my husband, my children, closeness to my family, my identity as a teacher, my role as a worship leader, my desire to serve, my notions of a "perfect" life..Many of these things are precious gifts from my Heavenly Father to me, some are just plain sin. But none of these are to be more important than my relationship with God.


After I made the list, I realized that I have spent the better part of the last four years watching God slowly strip these things away.

• In 2006, we moved away from family and friends. At the command of God, I left my comfort zone to be obedient to him.


• My "perfect" children both have special needs. It is a daily practice in self-denial to give them over to God's plans and trust that they are "fearfully and wonderfully made." The promise that God has a "good, pleasing and perfect will" for our lives applies to my children, too. I am clinging to that promise with everything that I have.


• Keith and I have been married for almost 10 years. On our wedding day, I envisioned this perfect, romantic life. I took a great deal of pride in my wonderful husband and the blessings of our marriage. I still do...Although we love each other more than ever before, sometimes marriage is work and challenges can be overwhelming to our sense of peace. The Bible tells me "love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things" 1 Cor. 13:7 Love is not a feeling. It is a decision. The reality is that the only good that can be found in either of us or in our marriage comes from God.


• I am not teaching right now. I confess this is a daily struggle for me because I have found that I had a great sense of pride in being a good teacher. My identity was wrapped up in it. God is teaching me that my identity comes from being a child of His, not being a great teacher...and basing my acceptance of myself on the approval of this world is shaky, dangerous ground.


• At the prompting of God, we are not singing right now. We met singing in an ensemble together. It is part of the very fabric of who we are, individually and as a couple. But God told us that our family is more important. So we are waiting...


• I am learning to give up my perpetual servanthood. I have come to realize that serving God as a form of worship is very different from serving in the church (or anywhere else for that matter) out of a sense of obligation. I am accepting that I am a perfectionist and I drive myself crazy seeking acceptance from others. I want to be the best mom with the cleanest house with the caught-up laundry pile and the smallest dust bunnies. I want to be good at everything I do, but I want to do everything. This is not healthy, but most importantly, it is not God's plan for me.

So it's all gone. Most of my notions of how the world should be are gone. Most of the cornerstones of how I identified myself are gone. Now I sit here wondering what's left and what I do now. Am I still a teacher? How do I stop being a perfectionist? How do I love my husband and raise my children in a way that honors God? How do I let go of Martha and become a Mary?

Right now, I am seeking. I am seeking contentment. That is a lifelong struggle for me. But I think it's because I have been looking for it in the wrong places. So I am reading and praying and asking God to transform my mind. I want his priorities to be my priorities. I want to understand God's grace...and accept God's grace for my imperfections.

See, I said it was heavy...but I think it's the only way to find the answers I am looking for.